Saturday, June 13, 2015
IF ONLY I HAD KNOWN....
I have been silent most of 2015 because even when I had something to say...I did not know how to say it. In May I graduated with my graduate degree in professional counseling. This was a stressful semester. I begin the sixth month of the year...still stressed. One thing that I have not handled well is not knowing what is next. For the last year I have been given an opportunity to really think about my life and all of my decisions. I have made a lot of decisions on impulse. I have made decisions based on emotion, being stubborn, and simply not TRUSTING what God was doing in my life. I admit that I am a planner. I have an internal need to be secure and I take minimal risks.
When I left my job in 2008 to care for my children, I was scared to death. Instead of taking that time to embrace the freedom that was being given to me I created circumstances that fueled the requirement for me to go back into bondage. I couldn't see the benefit of what God was giving me because I could not see pass the package in which it was being presented . I did not want to depend on my husband. I did not want to be a house wife. I could not get pass what I was giving up and even though I left, I held on tightly in my mind. I never relaxed to enjoy what I was being given. My mind kept looking at my blessing and made it a "situation." I had a CAREER, I would think as I ran behind the children. I would sigh and say, "I was GOOD at what I did and I used to have a plan for my life...and this was not it!"
The truth is that I had a job that I complained about and visibly allowed to stress me out. I loved what I was doing but the issues that came with the job made the relationship complicated. My husband allowed God to use him to release me from it and I was too immature to recognize it.
WHAT HAPPENED? My son was having issues in daycare and I made the declaration to the director that I did not need her
Unfortunately, I did not see it this way. I resided in the mindset that I was not a housewife. I did everything I could to contest the title. When someone asked what I did...I said that I was a student. I scurried to go back to school, got over involved in helping other people build their dreams, and actively dismissed the blessing that was being handed to me. It was not until I began seeking God's plan for me that I began to recognize that I did things backwards. I began searching for purpose AFTER all of the things I did failed. When I left my job God answered every one of my prayers...cleared up my debt and gave me the time and opportunity to develop my destiny, but all I did was create circumstances that put me back at square one.
What I now recognize is that I have to seek divine guidance FIRST. I should have prayed about several things before I ever made that first move.
1) I should have asked God to help me appreciate what I was being given.
2) I should have asked God to align me with His will.
3) I should have asked God to correct my attitude.
Now I am back at square one...but it has been revealed to me what a part of my journey will be dedicated to going forward. I am now open to being still instead of feeling like I need to make things happen or allowing myself to feel inadequate because I am not working in a conventional way. I know that if God releases me again to live my purpose out in a manner that I choose, I won't make the same mistakes. Until that happens, I will grind to correct those mistakes, teach others to help them avoid those mistakes, and stand still when I am unsure. I trust God. I trust HOW He chooses to bless me. I no longer care about the package...I will take it!